Breaking News: Google is going to acquire Novell and the Unix copyright
Some secret source inside Google Inc. reported to us, that Google is going to acquire Novell, the Company who brought you Novell Netware.
After all court fights between SCO and Novell, regarding the Unix Copyright, the Google Board was afraid to be sued by SCO, too, as most of Googles infrastructure is running on the illegal Unix derivate “Linux”.
Eric Schmidt, Google Board member and CEO of Google, said to, as reported by our secret source, Larry Page:
“I have no time or the money to fight against SCO. After the desaster of Google China, we need to save the money for bribing the old farts on the Chinese Government, that they open up the great firewall. Therefore we need to buy Novell and their staff, because Novell is the copyright holder of Unix, and you know I was at Novell, and when we have the copyright, we will be evil!”
It’s not known, when this will happen, but there is already a plan how Google will make revenue out of the new Unix Copyright.
Nikesh Arora, President, Global Sales Operations and Business Development will start to enforce Unix Licensing to all Linux, BSD, Solaris, AIX, Xenix and Windows Distributors and Linux, BSD, Solaris, AIX, Xenix and Windows Users who won’t sign up for an account to a Google Service, like GMAIL or Google Buzz or porting their software towards Googles Apps API.
“If those people won’t share their private data with us, we will enforce our rights. There is no way to avoid Google, the easy way or the hard way. Google hates users, Google don’t know. All Microsoft Users, and especially the Microsoft Board including the fat, dancing Ballmer and the funky Gates, will be sued, because Microsoft does use a good portion of Unix Sources inside their crappy kernel”.
Chris DiBona, public sector engineering manager at Google Inc, wasn’t suprised, as our insder reports.
“We knew (for some years) already that Microsoft is using a lot of GPL and BSD Licensed Software Snippets inside their Microsoft products. We reverse engineered the Microsoft Kernel and found that they still have portions of Minix Source. This changed for Windows 7. The Windows 7 kernel is mostly the Linux Kernel with some adjustments from BSD and removed License and Copyright statements. Therefore, Microsoft will have a to pay a lot of Copyright fees to us. This will be fun! But we still have a problem about something we found while disassembling the kernel. We found a piece of code named >>jbacon_robot.c< <. Somehow it always sends out messages in random intervals to Twitter and Facebook with a random ammount of “awesome”, “rock” or “horsemen” + more random content. It has no real functionality, it’s just there. We wonder if this is the real trojan horse the world speaks about when the user’s windows computer is crashing. Another surprise was to see, that Microsoft Office actually is an older branch of StarOffice with a refined UI.” (StarOffice became during time OpenOffice)
When we (I and my colleagues) heard this news, we were shocked.
But when you get bad news, there is also good news.
I shouldn’t be writing about this, but after this bad news from Google, I have to tell you this secret (Sorry, Mark!):
Ubuntu and Canonical won’t be hit by this war between Google and the Users.
Canonical and their Launchpad Team are already working on rewriting the Linux Kernel in Python, so actually there is no C code anymore, and nobody will sue Canonical or Ubuntu Users.
The new python kernel will be shipped to the Ubuntu community after the Ubuntu 10.04 LTS release.
Oh, and I’m happy to report that the lucid+1 release will be named “Monster Marble”.